by Dan Coward
I spluttered my proverbial cornflakes all over my computer screen when I caught up with Neal Martin’s latest Wine Journal exploits this morning. He was reporting on the worst tasting ever…rather proudly I might add, for such an inauspicious occasion!
As well as being the masterminds behind London’s best wine shop tasting experience, The Sampler in Islington, Jamie Hutchinson and wife Dawn, must have been cooking up this tasting for a while. Reminiscent of ‘Le Diner de Cons‘, guests to this party of ‘vinous sadomasochism’ had to bring bottles that were knackered, had dodgy labels, terrible ullage, awful vintages, damaged corks. They had, simply, to be seriously awful.
With Neal’s permission I am able to replicate some of the choicest notes here. They deserve to experience the wonderful wideness of the world web, rather than the confines of the members-only part of Ebob’s website…
The evening started with some very passable bottles…and then descended rapidly. I’ve ignored all the wines early on that scored in the 70 and 80 point ranges. Let’s get straight to the good stuff. Amongst all the blandness of some generic modern wine notes it’s good to hear what a taster really thinks! (I hasten to add – these bottles were heinously out of condition and don’t reflect what a good bottle would taste like…so chateaux, domaines, please don’t write to me complaining!)
1953 Château Palmer
Err…what pray tell, is this on the nose? Smells swampy…toxic and quaggy. Bet that hasn’t been used in a tasting note before. Smells like discharge from something I do not even want to think about. The palate makes me want to vomit. In fact, I think the palate is vomit. Professional conclusion: past its best.
1959 Paul Jaboulet Côte-Rôtie Les Jumelles
Here we go! Bring it on! One of the greatest Jaboulet wines ever created by this legendary estate and here we have a delectable bouquet that…that…err…reeks of a rotting fish that was putrescent even when it swam about its polluted river. The palate is offensive not just to me, but to the entire human race.
1969 Pierre Ponnelle Bonnes-Mares
This Bonnes-Mares is so grotesque that I might have to recalibrate my entire scoring notation. It’s so abhorrent, so repellent that it has actually broken the axle of the 100-point system. And it is not even insured! At least not for third-party damage like this. Bonnes-Mares? Merde-Mares more like.
1975 Castello di Fonterotoli Chianti Classico
Tuscany here we come. Those rocky hills flecked with Cypress trees, the scent of olives in the air, the delectable cuisine…Mama mia, this is indescribably odious. I think it probably reached the end of its drinking plateau in 1973.
1961 Château Batailley
Yes, yes, yes. One of the most under-rated 1961s ever made. Inhale deeply and…Jesus H. Christ…someone dropped a lump of Stinking Bishop down the back of the sofa and forgot to retrieve it for several years.
Nurse, pass me the sedatives.
The palate takes the offensiveness of the Jumelles, doubles it, forces it down your throat and laughs uncontrollably at your suffering.
1961 Château Pontet-Canet
I think I am beginning to lose my marbles now. The slop bucket is already half full. I doubt the Spanish Inquisition would be so inhumane as to force someone to smell this putrid specimen. The palate redefines the word execrable into something even more faecal. What would that be? I don’t know, but it would be this bottle. I feel nauseous. Give me my Qaaludes, give me anything to erase the memory of this obnoxious swine.
1996 Ramonet Bâtard-Montrachet Grand Cru
I mean, it’s a bloody joke. What are the chances of this being premoxed? 100%? Vines worked all year round…they suffered, tortured in the vineyard…they had their baby fruit torn from their arms and Nature’s gift was carefully fermented and raised in expensive new barrel that some cooper persevered over.
For what exactly?
For what exactly?
To piss everyone off?
I do apologise, but the “Premox Casualty Ward” is now full. There are no spare beds. Go and fester in the corridor.
1962 Château Lafite-Rothschild
What is this? WAS IST DAS!?! Is this wine or Jabba the Hut’s urine sample? I can feel brain cells committing neuro-suicide just by nosing this wine, let alone sipping this festering confection. You could export this bottle to China and watch the market smash into smithereens around Eric de Rothschild’s feet.
1970 Château Gruaud Larose
This is a bottle that could make Mr. Creosote heave. Warn friends within a 20-metre ambit if you dare approach this concoction.
1985 Clos du Marquis
A wine with more volatility than Colonel Gaddafi attending a United Nation meeting where in alphabetical order, Western leaders ridicule his medals.
1949 Drouhin Musigny Grand Cru
What the f**k’s this? I didn’t even know this wine was present, apparently loitering about on the other table. Where was I? Probably sticking my hooter into some gangrenous bouquet from Hades. Apparently it was showing well, which makes it even more sickening that I never got a glass. I might sue. I am going to sue everyone on the other table, Jamie Hutchinson, The Sampler, Domaine Drouhin, the bloke who originally vinified the wine in 1949 and the pickers who colluded in its existence.
1961 Chateau Loudenne
Is this some kind of Faustian punishment? Hey, I never sold my soul to the devil?
Did I?
Maybe I did?
Was it when I mistakenly found that adult-only website?
That was a mistake.
I did not mean to type “hardcore” “sex” and “egg-whisk” into the Search Engine.
1961 Chateau Pichon Baron
Oh…just sod off.
1964 Château La Gaffeliere
For crying out loud. I am not an atheist but if there is a God, a Supreme Being, he would not have allowed the existence of this bottle to continue. He would have just made it disappear, vanish into thin air. Who would notice?
1955 Château Lafleur-Pétrus
One the great Pomerol estates from one the great post-war vintages. Mix them together with suspect provenance and what do you get? A. Pile. Of. Shite.
1840 Cossart Gordon Dry Oloroso Vintage
According to the schematic of Dante’s Inferno, those who were violent against others were drowned in blood, panderers whipped to walk endlessly, barrators were burned with pitch, thieves were attacked by servants, sowers of discord endlessly mutilated and deluded oenophiles forced to sip Cossart Gordon’s 1840 Dry Olosroso. The last of these was edited out of Alighieri’s original publication as it was widely considered too inhumane.
1840 Antonio de la Riva Oloroso Solera
Coat please.
To cap it all off, as we approached the final lap of the degenerate bottles, Jamie’s canine companion Ivy expressed her own views on the affair by several gaseous emissions, which simply compounded surrealism, the folly of the whole evening.”
Legendary…have you ever had a wine experience like this? Leave a comment
(All the above notes and the photo have been reproduced from www.erobertparker.com with the permission of the author Neal Martin.)
Tags: Bloggers, Neil Martin, wine tasting
Sounds like a total mess. I get the impression that this is what some of us might sometime feel about a wine but never dare to say or write. I will add some of it to my tasting vocabulary!
So not every wine improves with age? or may be there is just an age limit.